Sex Before Marriage In The 21st Century
August 7th, 2008 by Mark Tiddy Posted in Articles, Christianity, Church, Youth Work
A while ago I started writing a blog on sex before marriage following a comment I head from someone (Christian) who suggested that it is ridiculous to encourage young people to abstain from sex until marriage in today’s society…this was in the week leading up to a Doodles on ‘Sex and relationships’ which never happened and so as a result this blog joined the list of ‘Draft Posts’ on my blog.
The problem is that sex before marriage is a massive topic…and I’m not sure many Christians would argue the biblical basis for waiting for sex until your married and if I’m honest I think God does say to us that waiting to have sex before marriage is the best idea and I think perhaps humans have proved that when we look at the amount of problems people have because of being sexually promiscuous.
One thing I’ve become more aware of recently, particually in younger Christians (or rather my age) is that the things society seems to say is definately okay Christians seem to have bought into, the idea that it’s okay to get drunk (particually on birthdays), the idea that perhaps fooling around with the opposite sex is fine and perhaps even swearing becomes something compromised…I don’t know!
The problem with this is that we begin to separate Christianity and the importance of the bible, if we believe that the bible is God’s word and that God never changes his mind then surely sex before marriage doesn’t need to be questioned?
The thing is that we interpret this is different ways, and the problem with sexually related ‘naughties’ is that often it’s easy to twist our interpretation to fit what we want, so I believe that when we form our views on ‘how far is too far?’ or have that ‘boundaries’ conversation we need to be thinking if we genuinely believe what we’re saying or if we think we’re fiddling God’s word to suit ourselves.
I’ve often heard people say ‘it’s okay to have sex…we’re gonna get married’, the problem with this is that it’s naive, you never know what could happen in a relationship whether you’re close and everything’s cool or not and also if sex is meant to be a wedding gift from God as I’ve often heard preached then surely it’s the same as a child opening all his gifts on Christmas eve?
I’ve also heard people say that in God’s eyes once you’ve had sex you’re married…the problem with this is that it misses several points. Firstly if (as Christians) we’re meant to respect the laws of our country then whether we think sex = marriage or not the fact is we’re not married in the eyes of our country.
The second problem with that view is that actually in the bible we read ‘for this reason a man will leave his Father and Mother and be united as one with his wife’…in the sex = marriage situation I’m not convinced that there’s any leaving of mum’s and dad’s 9 times out of 10. The other problem is that actually this is (in my opinion) the wrong interpretation of marriage in the bible.
Often in biblical times before a man could marry his fiance he would have to build an extension on his parents house for them to live in (this is similar to what Jesus talks about when he discusses there being many rooms in his Father house), in other biblical times the marriage was official after sex but there was ceremonies before that (often followed by the bridge and groom going into a tent to ‘do it’ with their guests waiting outside).
Finally I think the ’sex = marriage’ approach loses value of marriage, I do not believe that God intends sex to be the only significant different in marriage, I believe that God intends marriage to be 2 people giving themselves completely to each other, two people committing to love each other through the good and the bad times and the easy and the hard times.
However we clearly live in a society that says sex is okay, a society that pressures us to lose virginity (perhaps the film American Pie sums this view up) so is it realistic of us to expect young people to save themselves for their future missus (or mister)?
Perhaps there are more pressures around today to have sex than there has ever been but I think there are two things we need to make clear to young people on the matter of ’sex before marriage’
Firstly we need to make it clear that it is entirely possible with God’s help - We need to help young people realise that it’s not a daunting, impossible target but something you can manage with God’s help, by being mature about boundaries with boyfriends/girlfriends and also (much life with alcohol) knowing your limits…if after kissing a girl you have an undesirable urge to have sex with her (and probably will then is that a good idea? The same goes for everything up to sex from ‘hand sex’ to ‘oral sex’.
Secondly we need to make clear the idea of God’s forgivenesss, too often young people feel guilt when they’ve made mistakes in the sexual area, and often I think the church causes that guilt without meaning too, we need to remember (particually youth workers) that we are there to not just show young people that God can help them save themselves but at the same time help young people realise that ultimately they have a loving God who will forgive them not a God who’ll turn his back on them for a mistake.
i believe that today our message of waiting for sex until marriage is no different regardless of what society says, and I believe that we need to help young people realise that, that we need to challenge societies views at the same time showing the world a loving, forgiving God.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I think another reason young peoples in the church have sex is to demonstrate some autonomy. That they’re not just a parishoner doing what they’re told day after day. (Plus the church is an awesome place to do it in!)
But back to the issue of turning the morality of sex before marriage into either black or white - I can only think of the Mrs and me, who, in leaving our parents to live with one another; setting up home together; mutually providing (both financially and emotionaly) for each other; would claim the act of standing in front of a crowd for the vicar to say some magic words that take us from sinners to sinnnered is frankly silly.
If, as many Christians claim, a wedding is the inception of marriage, then marriage becomes a man made institution and the wedding becomes an idol (That is to say, a manufactured act that claims to be/do the work of God).
Our thinking is, therefore, instead that the decleration of us moving out and announcing our prime loyalties and life intentions to be each other rather than our parents (where we came from) is intrinsicly and scriptually a more profound and spiritual `wedding` than the orthodox view which basicly says the same but with the `maagic words` before it.
Not to get too involved with this, but from a transcendental humanist point of view, it makes little sense to turn to other men (and girls… and gay bishops) to bless or consecrate a human spiritual bond. As Christians, we don’t believe in priests being the minions or mouthpieces of God. The most profound bit of our wedding planning was when the vicar said “I don’t marry you, you marry each other“. Now isn’t that what the act of `leaving our mother and father` is all about?
Bringing this back to sex before marriage - I don’t believe this is a black and white issue. I think we live in a culture that’s almost consumer culture driven polyamerousity. That is to say, if you don’t like one bf/gf you just move on and you keep moving on until you get to one whose plusses outweigh their minuses enough to stay together. And as much as I’m not advocating marriage has a fluidity of itself as a concept, I do believe only God has the authority to say who is and is not married. I believe people have stood up before their friends and relatives in the past: cut cake, done the first dance, said `I do` and God doens’t view them as married as the Kingdom of God .
So sex before marriage is a subject that can only be discussed after the term `marraige` has been defined. And since that is a grey area, so too is the issue of sex before marriage. As for myself, I believe in a existential humanist point of view in that this ambiguity shrouds our understanding of the very framework of this morality issue (IE - what constitues `married`) and the epistemological outcome is either a `yes you may have sex` or `no you can’t`. Seeing as God encourages us to have sex, I think it is therefore the responsibility of the individual to determine what in their mind a marriage is, and whether they’re ready for the consequences of God’s potential disagreeing.
Because God, afterall gave US the responsibility of freewill - not the gift of morality through proxy of institutionalised church.
August 11th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Mark,
Congrats on writing a superb blog post on a huge subject and one that is full of controvesy.
I must firstly admit that I am conservative in my sexual views and that I prayerfully vowed God that I would not have intercoarse with a woman until I married. The reason behind my choice was not the views of a tradionalist ignorantly commenting on it neither were they views of other conservatives who as you rightly say have misinterpreted the message.
I personally do believe that God intended for sex to be special for both involved, but I also believe he gave us sex to give to our partners as an act of love - not only that it is the exact “ingredient” for reproduction and thus God creates new life.
Yet it saddens me that so many (not just young people) seem to abuse something so special. I can only speculate what sex is like - but I cannot understand why people get these urges to have one night stands or to loose virginity before college is out…
I could not accept the liberal arguments either - a typical liberl argument is the sexual compatability one… by saying that you need to be sexually compatable (what ever that means?!) otherwise marriage will not work… where is the faith there? My best friend is liberal in his views - and we debate this subject time and time again… and time and time again it ends in stalemate lol.
Lets look at some of the practical things about abstaining from sex - how many pregnancies are unplanned with many ending in abortion? (another hugely controversial subject) Are contreceptives 100% adequate? Is using a contreceptive going against the will of God when it came to sex? (by the way - i’m in no way advocating unprotected sex!!)
At the end of the day - i’m proud of my virginity, I’m glad the wills of the world did not take a hold of me… I’m also very happy in the decision I made to abstain. However - overall I believe sex is also another one of those things which God entrusted to us… unfortunately it seems morals are not much of a priority to many :o(
August 15th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Whatever you think about sex before marriage, the following seems clear: people who think that sex before marriage is OK, and are open about that fact, find it very difficult to be a part of Christian communities. And not through any fault of their own. I’ve witnessed several people who were made to feel like they couldn’t be allowed to belong whilst they were engaging in such activities–and the churches involved weren’t crazy ones either, but relatively laid-back ones. This always gets me very angry–whether or not you agree with the conduct of people, I think Christian communities should make an effort to accept them as they are. That doesn’t mean you have to condone their behaviour, and it doesn’t stop you from letting them know that you think what they’re doing is wrong–but give it a break now and then. Sex before marriage is not the be-all and end-all of Christianity: but plenty of people act as if it is. I can’t stand to see people being driven away from Christianity because they wouldn’t compromise on this.
On the debate more generally: I feel that this post and the second comment do make something of a straw man out of the ’sex before marriage is OK’ position. Anyone who wanted to seriously argue for it would appeal to much more interesting points than the ‘compatibility’ one made above. But I’m not going to get into that!
Interesting post though, thanks.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:54 pm
By endlessly discussing sex before marriage, doesn’t the Church make sex something more than it is? Sex is just sex, I find it bizarre when it is described as a ‘gift’ and virginity is described as a ‘gift’- when I lost my virginity it was really painful and I bled everywhere - not an experience I would wish to repeat or ‘give’ to myself or anyone.
The idea of it having ‘problems associated’ - well, yes, but you run a risk of falling under a bus when you cross the road, or catching malaria when you go to Africa… people should obviously use condoms, but just in life generally, some people just suffer bad luck. I am infertile, and it’s not because I got chlamydia or something, I have a condition called PCOS (which may be hereditary, doctors don’t know). Getting back to the point, just because something has risks associated with it, it doesn’t make it wrong. It reminds me of HIV/AIDS being known as ‘the gay disease’ in the ’80s, it was just incredibly judgmental and turned out not to be true.
Why is sex before marriage a ‘massive topic’? Why, when 2/3 of the world lives on a dollar a day? Why, when there is a global food crisis? When there is so much oppression? When climate change is such a massive threat? When there is conflict and corruption? Probably for the same reason as homosexuality is such a contentious issue - because a) the Church is too preoccupied with sex, and b) because the Church likes to criticise and judge other people? Isn’t it more important to make steps towards being different from the world by tackling poverty and human rights and look at this as a secondary issue?
Okay, so I also think that reducing sex to the act of bumping genitals is awful and just not true, it is so much more than that. And perhaps it is most sensible to wait (although I honestly think most people’s wedding nights would be awkward and painful if they did). But it’s just not that important. Not compared to child abuse, extreme poverty and war: All things that go on in this world with alarming regularity.
But thank you for your post, it was certainly food for thought.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Kate, firstly welcome to my blog, I don’t know if you read usually or if you’ve just stumbled upon it but nice to see you.
I think you have many valid points and thank you for your honesty. I don’t think that perhaps virginity itself is a gift as such but that what it symbolises, so if you’ve only had sex with one person surely that’s something special that you both share?
I also think you’re right, if couples didn’t do anything before marriage the wedding night could be awkward…a ‘ooh what do we do with this’ kinda situation. I think that you’re absolutely spot on when you say sex is more than bumping genitals!
Lastly I couldn’t agree with you more that the church blows sex (scuse the pun) out of proportion and I think Jesus himself would agree completely, he was far more focused on us looking after and loving our neighbours and providing those who have nothing than he was about those who had casual sex…don’t get me wrong, he disagreed but I think love was his key focus.
I’d love to hear more of your thoughts Kate, please keep reading and commenting.
Mark